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We have all heard older people and those of us who are getting there, make a quote pertaining to old age.
Old Age Sayings or Old Age Quotes or Quips, is a place for you to find or send a favourite saying. Also, you will find some
of our favourite "clean" jokes or stories.
Recently, I heard a person say "Old Age is for sissies".
I had never heard that quote before.
Here are the sayings that we have
thus far
- Old age is not kind.
- Just
wait until you get my age
- I feel old
- My bones are squeaking
- The eyes aren't what they used to be
- I'm over the hill
- Why is God keeping an old woman,like me, alive.
- Sure, I don't feel old.
- I don't do birthdays anymore.
- If I knew Grand-Children
were so much fun, I would've had them.
- Getting old is horrible
- Old age is for sissies
- How are you? "Fair
to Middlin"
- I've got a wonderful pain in m y stomach.
- Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative
- I had three overpasses. (After Bypass Surgery)
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Funny sayings concerning old age - When I was a boy, The Dead Sea, was only sick. George Burns
- I'm
not interested in age. People who tell me their age are silly. Elizabeth Arden
- You're
as old as you feel. Elizabeth Arden
Jokes to tickle The Funny Bone Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse
that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed
on one boob. One woman leaned over to the
other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket." Red Lights
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; neither was barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After
a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! Did
you know we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have
killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Crap! Am I driving?" Driving Too Slow
An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going
faster or slower. A police officer noticed
and followed him for a while, then pulled him over. Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding."
The police officer
said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow."
"But the sign says 22."
The
officer explained that he was on Interstate 22. As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older
ladies in the back of the car. All of them
were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.
The police officer leaned toward the man and asked,
"What's wrong with them?" "Well, we just came off Interstate 134."
Car Jacking? This is a true story. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping,
and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her
vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream
at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out
of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got
out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into
the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why!!!
A
few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She
loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station The sergeant
to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed
to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking
by a mad, elderly woman described white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly
white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed
Never Argue
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that
the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask
her about..
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got
very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man
took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know
what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000. He asked
her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret
of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and
crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were
in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it
come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
The Front Pew
An elderly woman walked into the
local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight
of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please,"
she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?"
he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered, "Let me
show you the front pew."
More of Why do we say or do that?
Bread was divided
according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top,
or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
takethem for dead and prepare
them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local
folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house,
and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and
they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard
shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer. Those with money
had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
E Mail Your Quote to: editor@oldie-newbie.com
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Biblical Sayings About Old Age
"Now also when I am old and greyheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have
shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come."
Psalms 71:18 1 Chronicles 29:28 "a good old age, full of days, riches, and honour"
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Overheard at Tim Horton's 1.
My arm's so weak I can hardly lift this Tim's coffee. 2. My cataracts are so bad I can
hardly see my Tim's coffee. 3. The arthritis is so bad, in my neck, that I need a stainless
steel straw to drink my Tim's. 4. Don't
see so and so any more here at Tims.
Cemetery Talk An older woman recently returned from her
hometown in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since
her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families
are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the
first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone
was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"
"Oh my,
no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
Singing Canary
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly
woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've
got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."
I want a singing canary The shop owner
began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am,
I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't
think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder
like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper
was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the
cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really
a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one
leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
This is to check your memory
Singing
Canary (Didn't I just read this one)
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst
into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good,
hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."
I want a singing canary The shop owner began
moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am,
I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't
think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder
like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper
was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the
cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really
a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one
leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
Sometimes we forget names
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The
other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and
finally said, "What is the name of that flower
you give to someone you love? You know... the one
that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes,"
the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,
what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Giving up golf
Arthur is 90 years old.
He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells
his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight
has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.” “He may be a hundred and three,” says the
wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the
brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?” “Of
course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” asks Arthur. “I don’t remember.”
Links to senior or humor related sites.
Newfoundland Labrador words and meanings
Suddenly Senior
Why do we say or do that?
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people
got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally
the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs- thick straw-piled
high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice,
bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence
the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things
from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in
the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up
your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying,
Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor
to help keep their footing As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite
an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the
fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They
would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the n ext day. Sometimes
stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a
little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
And that's the truth...Now, whoever
said History was boring ! ! !
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